Alexis Smash

My Services are Needed Elsewhere

I’m gonna be posting humourous things over here now with some of my internet friends. DEAL WITH IT.

The Peace Act

Of all legislature passed in Canada since it was first colonized, the most influential and important of them all is, without question, the Peace Act of 2033. After being terminally diagnosed with zombones and given a month to live, the current Prime Minister, and leader of the Green Party, Jean Poutine, used his 98 percent Majority to pass this controversial piece of legislature. This bill radically redefined what it was to be human as well as the geopolitical landscape.

Most controversial of all, this bill not only completely did away with female suffrage, but also redefined “citizen” so that polar bears were legally registered as two people and seals as a negative person. “Fat Chix”* were also reclassified as livestock, qualifying any home with two or more for a tax break.

The act also modified legislative law so that repealing it would require every single citizen of Canada (including polar bears) to vote against it, without exception. It also appointed fifty “Deputies of TCOB” who’s only job was to enjoy 24/7 pampering by a harem of virgins.

Sections 5, 11, 19, 23, 30, 49, and 51 of the bill had no actual legal effects but merely stipulated: “Doritos are made of win”, “Hi Steve!”, “remember that one episode of The Simpsons with the aliens?”, “Cindy is so friggen hot”, “Thomas is a really shitty name”, “Love me, love me, say that you love me, need me, need me, say that you need me”, and “I have transcended hats”, respectively.

Prime Minister Poutine then signed the document “Hugs and kisses, Johnny P”, declared “Peace, bitches!” and never spoke another word until the day he died. Although he continued to show up to Parliament until this day, he would do so in only socks and a tie.

*Fat Chix are defined by the current “Chillest Bro in the land” who is “to be crowned as the champion of a best of 69 (dude, lol!) beer pong tournament held once every 3 years.”

Superman

…oh right… I’m supposed to be posting here… or something?

I’ve always found DC heroes to be pretty boring and altogether shitty, but the worst offender definitly has to be Superman. Apparently, he was initially just some really tough guy. Like you actually stood a chance in a fight. But over the years he just became stronger and stronger until he reached what he is today. A giant flying near invincible douche. Ya, he’s apparently weak against kryptonite and magic, but those are pretty rare. And he could probably kick your ass before you got the chance to whip it out. I’ve always wondered why someone doesn’t just make a giant magical kryptonite monster so he can’t be saved by old lady Jenkins from the shiny rock, but that’s something else altogether. The real issue is Superman as a whole.

I say Superman shouldn’t be some jack ass alien with the same power source as grass. A superman is a man with two Y chromosomes. He’s ENORMOUS and lacks the intelligence of even a fourth grader. He causes other men around him to become sterile and women to become pregnant. On contact. Nothing more. He has no “special weakness” he’s basically a human, BUT A BIG ONE. He has a six pack AT BIRTH. Needless to say he’s pretty awesome. Unfortunately, by nature of his abilities, he impregnates his own mother as soon as he begins to form. As such there are TWO Supermen and they ultimately grapple to the death before birth. It always ends in a tie. I have to imagine it’s probably for the best, though. He would probably be a menace, even if he wanted to save lives.

Of course, this raises the issue of a Superwoman. Not a lot is known about them, unfortunately. They are beings of such pure emotion and passive aggressiveness that as soon as they are born their pure hatred for everyone forces them to go back in time and stop themselves from ever being conceived. But whatever, she was a total bitch. Am I right?

Time Cube

The brain child of Gene Ray,  Time Cube is… awesome. It’s like if the crazy guy on the corner screaming of the apocalypse had a website. Even the wikipedia page is awesome. You may be thinking, this is utter bullshit, why are you telling me of this, I can’t possibly read it.

That’s because you shouldn’t. Firefox has an addon called foxvox, which, much like time cube is pretty poorly put together. But COMBINED they are awesome. You see, foxvox CAN’T be stopped once you turn it on. It HAS to finish. Even if you close firefox. highlight the whole time cube page, turn on foxvox, and sit back. It’s like your own personal slice of dystopia. The haunting computer generated voice coupled with the mind numbing gibberish is basicly what you would hear over the PA system that would be on every corner. Always playing. Always playing.

Alternatively, great prank to pull on someone else.

Space, Time, and Polar Bears.

Now a days the occasional teleportation and/or time travel is fairly common place. But behind each of these rips in the fabric of the universe lies something dark and secret… Polar bears. Any time someone messes with time or space you can bet there’s a polar bear somewhere.

Don’t believe me?

First off, Lost. While I don’t watch it myself, I am made to understand that there is both a time machine AND polar bear on this ridiculous island. Check mate. But not so fast! There’s more! Remember the His Dark Materials series (the golden compass, etc)? The entire basis of the story is that there are inter-dimensional portals ALL OVER THE PLACE. And what do you know? There is an entire village of walking talking polar bears. Back to the Future, the very first time the time machine is used it comes back COATED in ice, sounds like the doing of a polar bear to me. Rupert, the children’s cartoon, centered around a polar bear WHO JUST SO HAPPENS TO KNOW FATHER TIME! Discworld, general madness, hubland bears. Apparently stargate had them too. Honestly, I could go on but I’m running out of stories that travel through space/time.

Noteworthy: I could not find any mention of polar bears in Harry Potter, therefore: J. K. Rowling is a hack. A hack of the highest degree. I bet she made it ALL up.

Also, at the time of this posting I have been awake for 25-26 hours. I’m sure it has had no effect on my faculties. Pandas.

Speaking of Nazis…

While we’re on the topic of nazis, I thought it would be a good time to take a step back and be serious for a moment. Namely, the issue of space nazis. We all know the nazis were pretty bad, but space nazis are obviously worse. Now, when we enter the scale of space nazis, all of Earth is “Germany” so it’s not a question of who are the nazis, but who is Space Hitler. To be incredibly brief, Hitler was a total failure, who became a successful soldier, which he segwayed into becoming a success at something far bigger than what he failed at, under the banner of “saving his country”, which he may or may not of actually cared about (irrelevant). Therefore, I give you Space Hitler: Al Gore.

Al Gore was the vice president of the united states under the Clinton administration. Which is fairly impressive, but, when he attempted to become the president he failed. Then he became a soldier… for the environment (Aka a soldier of THE EARTH). Here he met success and, just like Hitler, received awards. Now we look to the future. Al Gore will enter the race for el presidente de la tierra (After the Mexican conquering of the planet in 2020, the year of the true perfect vision). With his credentials as a hero of the planet for saving the environment, he will quickly climb the ranks. Gore will only finally stand out when he reveals his controversial doctrine. His doctrine will consist of exterminating the martian menace on earth (Mars was destroyed to make way for an interstellar highway) and conquer the rest of the solar system. This will lead to the near destruction of the Earth and all of it’s inhabitants (The martians will actually thrive after this point, ironically).

So I come to you with a mission. We MUST kill Al Gore, if not for the martians, for ourselves. Would somebody think of the children?!?

Two Men, One Name, Half a Legacy.

For some reason, for most of my life, I thought Neil and Lance Armstrong were one and the same. I imagine this is because I didn’t know when the moon landing happened. Needless to say, combined, they were the most awesome guy in the world. Here after referred to as “Nancie Armstrong.” Landing on the moon is pretty cool, I guess so is winning the world’s biggest bike race. But if you landed on the Moon, and then 30 years later were in good enough physical shape to WIN the world’s biggest bike race, THEN you’re awesome. Frankly, separated into two, Nancie Armstrong is just disappointing.

Let this be a lesson, if someone thinks you are someone even cooler. Don’t correct them.

“Why, yes, I am INFACT, the child of Joan of Ark and Jesus.” (Everyday conversation).

This article is in memoriam of Nancie “Space Cycle” Armstrong. May he rest in peace. In Super Heaven™.

Who Am I?

I am actively anti-free market and promote communistic values.

I am often depicted in sandals, with little to no clothing.

I have long hair and a beard.

I am known to associate with criminals and whores.

I quit my job in my early twenties and never worked again.

Who am I?

Why, Jesus Christ of course!

I’ve always found it very entertaining that, by modern standards (especially those of super christian conservatives), Jesus was a HUGE burden on society.

How To Win A Debate (Like The Pros)

Alright, so you have a debate tomorrow. So you haven’t studied the topic beyond your previous knowledge. So you’re not even sure what side of the debate you’re supposed to be on. That doesn’t matter. In fact, that’s the least important part of winning a debate. It’s HOW you debate, not what you debate. Thankfully, you have me, a masterful bullshitter debater.

First off, how are you going to look? Like a pro. The key here is intimidation mixed with professionalism. Therefore, a military uniform. But don’t wear one of those modern stupid camo uniforms, those will make you look silly. I suggest wearing something a bit older. Mid 20th century is a good place to look. Woah there! Maybe you’re too intimidating! Better ease the audiences nerves with some hindu gammadions, maybe on your upper sleeves. Everyone knows those are all about good intentions. But clothing isn’t all you should worry about, hair is important too! Long hair screams “I’m a know-nothing hippy.” Best to just shave it all off. This has the added bonus of being able to blind your opponent by reflecting the light off your head.

The next thing you need to worry about is your entrance. This will establish who is going to be the dominant force in the debate. Needless to say, your entrance better be good. I recommend kicking your legs up really high, just to show your opponent that you can kick them in the face if need be (This will also be your contingency plan if you lose the debate). Make sure to keep your legs nice and straight. Sissies have limp legs, and you’re no sissy. But remember, you want to ease the audience as well, so maybe hold your arms as a gesture of friendship. Remember limp limbs shows weakness! But, maybe you don’t want to seem too friendly, best to only hold out one arm. Finally, bring some similarly dressed friends with you. Ensure that they never talk to demonstrate how tough they are.

Finally, the actual debate. First, you will want to put their credibility into question. Are they Jewish? I can almost guarantee they are. Point this out. Everyone knows Jews have very bad memories, so everyone will be thinking the same thing: “How can he remember the facts accurately?” It’s foolproof. Next, you should take a lesson from Monkey Island. Namely, Insults are the key to victory in every competition. Something like: “Why don’t you make like Poland and surrender?” Last, but not least, a catch phrase. This will let the audience relate to you, and help conclude all statements. I recommend something short and concise like “HEIL.” This will leave the audience cheering for your every word.

I hope this helps you on your quest to be a master of the argument, in all its forms. With this information, some day, you might be as good of a debater as me. Although that’s physically impossible, as I am the best. Disagree? That’s because you’re a Jew. HEIL.